just freakin angry

i know that is an emotion people see as a negative. but we all know it exists, and i see it as healthy to release when the need arises. i consider myself a pretty positive person...you know, 'cup half full', 'tomorrow's gonna be a better day', yadda yadda. and the truth is tomorrow usually is a better day! but today i am ANGRY. i just had a conversation with my birthmom which ended in rage, i had to hang up on her. i don't even know where it came from, can't remember over the 12 years i've know her ever reacting like that. when i was trying to explain to her my issues as of late, and my realizations of how my adoption has affected my life, she responded saying that i was looking at my life negatively. plus she is always trying to top anything i say is wrong with ME, with something worse that is wrong with HER. she read some of the articles i sent her on adoption, and assumed that since i have reunited with my birth family i should have no more issues. but what happens when you find your birthmom and she is full of issues! that's double issues for me i say. whew, better get down to it. all of you searching for your birthparents, beware...my life got a lot harder when i found out where i came from. but i guess at least i have reasons now for the whys.

i have spent a lot of time on this earth helping others. yet somehow i always feel i have to justify if i am feeling down or sad or hurt or whatever the problem. like my problems are always so petty, there is ALWAYS someone worse off. of course there is. i have my health, all four limbs, i can see, hear, breathe. i don't have AIDS, cancer, malaria. i guess you have to have a 'real problem' for people to see it valid to need help. you know! i have to be THANKFUL i wasn't an abortion. i should be forever gracious to even be alive. i am soooo lucky. special. then if i've had it so great WTF am i feeling this way? why have i never found real happiness after searching and searching. why have i spent my whole life feeling like an outsider? AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Sorry... no really I AM sorry. swimming upstream always takes so much freakin strength, sometimes you just wanna let go and let the water take you where it will.

the heart's a lonely hunter

i wrote an email last night to my sister. i am excited because she and my niece and my mom are all coming next weekend for a visit (this is all my adoptive family). it is so rare my family comes to california to visit, i am always going back to my parents in philly since i'm the only one so far away (surprise surprise). anyways, i wrote my sister that sometimes i feel that although i am living my life, i am just watching it pass by at the same time. like i am watching a movie about myself, but never delving into the character. she wrote back saying she feels the exact same way! always searching but never sinking teeth in.

i feel so paraylzed sometimes even though i have so many things i could and should be doing. like i held onto my relationship for so long, even though it may have been holding me back from what i am meant to achieve. and i let my heart break again, even though i knew deep down it could never work. it's hard to have the awareness and knowledge of what you are grasping for, but still not able to figure out how to reach. i guess it is like being a baby, you know what you want but have not learned yet how to speak the language of the adults.

frustrating indeed.

dumped

i write this after my sabotaged relationship has just ended, and even on my boyfriend's birthday. so gemini of him. feeling more alone than ever, but truthfully saw the end coming. my patterns in life have become clearer and clearer to me lately, as i have had the chance to reflect. it is so hard when someone breaks up with you. we all most likely experienced this sort of pain sometime, not only adopted people. and after the fact, you realize that you never totally let them in to your life. because what is your life? lost and confused. i think adopted people know rejection very well in life, but we are still deathly afraid of it. i could pull out pieces of this article i found today, but really the whole thing is worth a read, especially if you are reading this searching for answers.

i am going to spend my summer in san francisco starting mid june. i was so looking forward to it, because at the moment my boyfriend is there and we were doing the long distance thing. also i lived there for 8 years, that is where i have friends and support. i am okay living here in los angeles after 2 years, loving the real summer weather, but ideally would like to move back up north. and my boyfriend and i talked about living together again there at the end of the summer, but i had been realizing lately that it wasn't realistic to plan on it. we moved here to LA together, but broke up once, he moved out and back up there... and somehow after not speaking for several months we decided we couldn't live without eachother and to try again. god i just reread that, and perhaps the complications of it all are breaking us apart. anyhoo, i am still looking forward to it, as my chance to get some real help to finally put at end to these issues that hold me back in life and ruin many realtionships. i am going to see someone who does regression therapy, through hypnosis and other techniques. sure to be some good blogging stories, i can already smell it...

see there are lots of issues that people have due to circumstance, by no fault of their own. something painful that happened at a young age, abuse, a loved one dying, etc. we store old wounds in our bodies and souls. it is painful to relive or uncover them, but even more painful to live with them and never realize. once cleared you are free, as oppossed to taking daily medication to make you feel happy all the time. i know people need that stuff sometimes, but those drug companies are making a killing covering up the underlying issues that therapists don't let patients face. and that's stuff that causes cronic illness, which creates more pain and therefore more pills...oh this is a whole nother topic, don't get me started. my mantra: i will not give up till i find real answers. i just don't see any other choice for myself.

frustration! ventalator!

i still cannot figure out why my blog photo won't update, followed all the instructions. or why i cannot seem to figure out how to title each post. i can on my other blog so it is extra weird. ah well. i've had a hell of a time dealing with cyberspace today starting with earthlink "technical support" (boycott! boycott!). they lost a little over 24 hours worth of my email. POOF! nowhere does it exist. who might have emailed me? please resend if it was you and i have not responded. I hate earthlink. sick and tired of trying to get a real person on the phone who knows what you're talking about and much less wants to help. customer service these days, in most companies, just plain ol' sucks. and i even tried the chat tech support. jees! i took a shower inbetween our conversation the guy must have been buying dounts or something...and still never got anywhere. and if you get lucky and talk to someone, it seems nowadays you are always calling india, and the person on the other line just says "i'm sorry madam for the inconvience (with a head bobble)." i am a big fan of india, i've been there and it is an amazing country from what i've seen....but come on! they cannot understand our issues over here all the time, and vice-versa. maybe it's cheap for these big companies here to hire people over there, but they are wasting their $ and OUR TIME!

but what does this have to do with my life? well nothing really. venting frustraton. why do i get so caught up? my cat seems to entertain himself forver with the plastic ring from the top of an odwalla bottle. i guess i have deep desires for my life to be that simple. but as we try and simplify our lives with technology, we are actually allowing them to be more complicated due to the ability to multi-task. i am guilty of that, i admit. i will ponder why....

i do find life today a bit overwhelming. i've always felt like i'm struggling to keep above water, caught in a rip tide. to keep up with the idea of where i think i'm supossed to be at this point in life. i feel as though it is all a failure up until now, like i'm so-so at lots of thing but i'm not very good at anything. like if i don't get married and have a baby in the next couple of years i'm a failure. like i should know the answer to everything, like that movie line, that book, and "yeah, i've traveled there! yes!" where do people get the time for all that stuff, and still have all the money in the world. and get their phd.

perhaps i've spent too much time trying to find myself. i remember a quote i heard once during an osho meditation in india. "in order to find yourself, you must first lose yourself". he was a smart man i must say. but damn, i've felt freakin lost my entire life!! his ideas were (i say were because he is no longer on this earth, yet his teachings are still very much followed) to strip away society's conditions to find your true self. he was a man very ahead of his time... i wish you weren't considered such a freak in society for doing so. i felt comfortable there, although when some people send 6 months to a year there, i was only there for 3 days. memorable ones.

what i'm getting at...i think adopted people spend a lot of time trying to find themselves. we are put on this earth without roots. it is a benefit really, it is why i turned to art, yoga, alternative medicine, acting, yadda yadda. i am different and that makes me search more and more, rather than following the mold my parents may have wished i did. they live in pennsylvania, i've been in california for 10 years now. i am more comfortable searching than settling. because settling can be very unsettling....

mush

just home from a fantastic massage and spa treatment in koreatown. feeling mushy. drinking lots of water. calling it a night. whoo hoo! a friday night is certainly happening when you go to bed before midnight :) guess i'm getting old...

i never know how to start when it comes to emotions. it's like i don't want to offend anyone, or offend myself. there are always feelings of guilt, shame, embarrasment, since i have little or no control of them. i'm 33. i'm adopted, and that happened at birth, and it seems like ever since i have been swimming upstream, trying to get a hold of my life. lately i wonder about it, how being adopted has affected me throughout my existence. i feel ashamed that i am a super emotional person, like there is no good reason for it. there are too many things bad happening in this world for me to be crying about nothing. i was surrounded, and still am, by people that love me. yet if i could disappear i might feel more at peace. my entire existence seems meaningless, as i drift through life trying new thing after new thing. i constantly search for myself, myself, myself, writing, reading, making art, traveling, doing yoga, studying astrology, modeling, acting....everyone thinks i am full of talents, but truthfully i have done these things because i have had no choice but create the mold of "me". yet it's funny how i feel i have not left much of a mark in anything.

when i was small, i didn't seem to care. my parents were my parents, didn't feel so driven to find the birth ones. i did always know i was adopted. i remember how shy and scared of everything i was as a child, and i grew up with people alwys telling me "SMILE!". guess didn't realize how i showed my subconcious sadness on the outside. it's a huge blog in itself, but i'll jump ahead... i even found my birth mom when I was 21 (not me to the right here, read on), and then together we found my birthfather. they had sex once (her first time EVER) down the jersey shore in 1972 and POOF! I was conceived, she was 16 and i think he was 17. she never saw him again until my presence reunited them. and how weird was that! hanging out with the two people that conceived me. i feel fortunate to have had the opportunity to meet them. my adopted sister was not so lucky in finding her birthparents. she found out they were still together, but they did not want any contact. her life hasn't been easy either. she had a baby when she was 18, gave her up for adoption, and now she has a one and a half year old girl who is the cutest ever (and my sister made the green dress she's wearing here). too bad her birthparents couldn't ever allow themsleves the joy of finding what their genes have produced. too bad adoption was such a not talked about subject back in the 70s. i found out my dad (the one who adopted me of course) had to sneak in and get my original birth certificate before they closed the records. thanks dad, otherwise i would have never been able to find my roots. the genetic ones anyway.

i sometimes wonder about my cat roscoe. do animals feel like they don't fit in? they certainly look nothing like us. we definetely relate, and he is closer to me than most. because i realized after all these years that i push people away without even realizing it. roscoe won't let me...that makes me feel good. he depends on me, and loves me no matter what. he likes othe cats too, someday i can adopt another one i guess. perhaps we are on the same level, feeling like we never fit in so we enjoy eachothers company.

well just a few random words. i have a whole lotta spillen to spill. glad to have a place to put my thoughts and work out life's frustrations. till tomorrow