i never know how to start when it comes to emotions. it's like i don't want to offend anyone, or offend myself. there are always feelings of guilt, shame, embarrasment, since i have little or no control of them. i'm 33. i'm adopted, and that happened at birth, and it seems like ever since i have been swimming upstream, trying to get a hold of my life. lately i wonder about it, how being adopted has affected me throughout my existence. i feel ashamed that i am a super emotional person, like there is no good reason for it. there are too many things bad happening in this world for me to be crying about nothing. i was surrounded, and still am, by people that love me. yet if i could disappear i might feel more at peace. my entire existence seems meaningless, as i drift through life trying new thing after new thing. i constantly search for myself, myself, myself, writing, reading, making art, traveling, doing yoga, studying astrology, modeling, acting....everyone thinks i am full of talents, but truthfully i have done these things because i have had no choice but create the mold of "me". yet it's funny how i feel i have not left much of a mark in anything.

when i was small, i didn't seem to care. my parents were my parents, didn't feel so driven to find the birth ones. i did always know i was adopted. i remember how shy and scared of everything i was as a child, and i grew up with people alwys telling me "SMILE!". guess didn't realize how i showed my subconcious sadness on the outside. it's a huge blog in itself, but i'll jump ahead... i even found my birth mom when I was 21 (not me to the right here, read on), and then together we found my birthfather. they had sex once (her first time EVER) down the jersey shore in 1972 and POOF! I was conceived, she was 16 and i think he was 17. she never saw him again until my presence reunited them. and how weird was that! hanging out with the two people that conceived me. i feel fortunate to have had the opportunity to meet them. my adopted sister was not so lucky in finding her birthparents. she found out they were still together, but they did not want any contact. her life hasn't been easy either. she had a baby when she was 18, gave her up for adoption, and now she has a one and a half year old girl who is the cutest ever (and my sister made the green dress she's wearing here). too bad her birthparents couldn't ever allow themsleves the joy of finding what their genes have produced. too bad adoption was such a not talked about subject back in the 70s. i found out my dad (the one who adopted me of course) had to sneak in and get my original birth certificate before they closed the records. thanks dad, otherwise i would have never been able to find my roots. the genetic ones anyway.

i sometimes wonder about my cat roscoe. do animals feel like they don't fit in? they certainly look nothing like us. we definetely relate, and he is closer to me than most. because i realized after all these years that i push people away without even realizing it. roscoe won't let me...that makes me feel good. he depends on me, and loves me no matter what. he likes othe cats too, someday i can adopt another one i guess. perhaps we are on the same level, feeling like we never fit in so we enjoy eachothers company.

well just a few random words. i have a whole lotta spillen to spill. glad to have a place to put my thoughts and work out life's frustrations. till tomorrow