the heart's a lonely hunter

i wrote an email last night to my sister. i am excited because she and my niece and my mom are all coming next weekend for a visit (this is all my adoptive family). it is so rare my family comes to california to visit, i am always going back to my parents in philly since i'm the only one so far away (surprise surprise). anyways, i wrote my sister that sometimes i feel that although i am living my life, i am just watching it pass by at the same time. like i am watching a movie about myself, but never delving into the character. she wrote back saying she feels the exact same way! always searching but never sinking teeth in.

i feel so paraylzed sometimes even though i have so many things i could and should be doing. like i held onto my relationship for so long, even though it may have been holding me back from what i am meant to achieve. and i let my heart break again, even though i knew deep down it could never work. it's hard to have the awareness and knowledge of what you are grasping for, but still not able to figure out how to reach. i guess it is like being a baby, you know what you want but have not learned yet how to speak the language of the adults.

frustrating indeed.