just freakin angry

i know that is an emotion people see as a negative. but we all know it exists, and i see it as healthy to release when the need arises. i consider myself a pretty positive person...you know, 'cup half full', 'tomorrow's gonna be a better day', yadda yadda. and the truth is tomorrow usually is a better day! but today i am ANGRY. i just had a conversation with my birthmom which ended in rage, i had to hang up on her. i don't even know where it came from, can't remember over the 12 years i've know her ever reacting like that. when i was trying to explain to her my issues as of late, and my realizations of how my adoption has affected my life, she responded saying that i was looking at my life negatively. plus she is always trying to top anything i say is wrong with ME, with something worse that is wrong with HER. she read some of the articles i sent her on adoption, and assumed that since i have reunited with my birth family i should have no more issues. but what happens when you find your birthmom and she is full of issues! that's double issues for me i say. whew, better get down to it. all of you searching for your birthparents, beware...my life got a lot harder when i found out where i came from. but i guess at least i have reasons now for the whys.

i have spent a lot of time on this earth helping others. yet somehow i always feel i have to justify if i am feeling down or sad or hurt or whatever the problem. like my problems are always so petty, there is ALWAYS someone worse off. of course there is. i have my health, all four limbs, i can see, hear, breathe. i don't have AIDS, cancer, malaria. i guess you have to have a 'real problem' for people to see it valid to need help. you know! i have to be THANKFUL i wasn't an abortion. i should be forever gracious to even be alive. i am soooo lucky. special. then if i've had it so great WTF am i feeling this way? why have i never found real happiness after searching and searching. why have i spent my whole life feeling like an outsider? AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Sorry... no really I AM sorry. swimming upstream always takes so much freakin strength, sometimes you just wanna let go and let the water take you where it will.